Sometimes in the process of making people you love.. happy…you lose yourself so much from within that all the courage…all the passion…all the spark that you have inside just starts to fade away…i tried hard…really hard to ‘please’ the ones i loved the most but on the way…i lost myself…drank myself to oblivion…lost track of what i really was…the simplicity i held within…the innocence…the endless amount of compassion inside was fading…during these few months ..i discovered what i really was……the person that i had become was someone else who made things complicated…fought with situations…instead of easing out the creases of life…smiling and getting on with life with harmony…i am glad i have gotten that person back again….

The way you looked at me.

Its been a long long time since i lost my melody..

The songs i sang for you and the way the world felt so much new.

Its been a long long time since i remember how your hand felt on mine

The long summer nights lying on the soft grass and everything was just fine.

Its been a long long time when you told me it will all be okay in the end and held me all night long

Then i close my eyes and the world starts spinning around…

Its been a long long time i felt something strong.

The tears have dried but the heart still longs.

Its been a long long time…

since you have been gone

i hate it when people stare at me

i hate it when mom tells me that i am stubborn

i hate it when some people just come and punch me like i was their personal punching bag or something and i can’t say or do anything about it

i hate that i am short tempered

i hate the way my elder sister would want to own my life..thankGod i don’t talk to her anymore.

i hate people who don’t respect their parents

i hate relatives who during all the good times will come dancing and during all the bad times never even show up their faces but for an awesome gossip session on my life..they would come running all over my house.

i hate hate hate blackcurrant flavor…it makes me puke.

i hate the ‘friends’ back from college who during the time i needed them never showed up and now wanna become all chummy and nice

i hate the fact that i once decide to delete someone from my life…there is no way that person can enter it ever….EVER

i hate my nature of getting attached to people so strongly that i hurt myself

i hate Raj Babbar…looking at him i feel like i am looking at a rapist…no I have nothing against you Mr. Babbar but yeah thats what i feel

……and i just loved making that list! i never knew i hated so many things!

i LOVE this song!

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It was just another Wednesday evening when i was returning back from the office….and stopped by the temple that falls on the way…Panditji was still adorning the Gods and Goddesses for the aarti..so i sat on the floor waiting for the aarti to begin…and to my surprise…i saw a small shy kid looking at me standing at the entrance door of the temple..i looked at him and smiled…and signaled him to come in and sit beside me…and he did…after minutes of silence i asked his name..his name was Gautham…he told me he studied in fourth standard in the nearby church…where they gave him free lunch and lots of homework.. i still remember his big round innocent eyes and the shy smile and the crinkle on his nose when he told me that he doesn’t like mathematics…he told me that his father went somewhere last month and his mom had been crying a lot since then…when the priest who was busy adorning the statues heard this he told me that his father had died last month. That day i became his akka and to this day every Wednesday i go and meet him…i love his stories..his innocence and the way he would say that ‘akka!!…i hate exams’

Sometimes in life you form bonds with people whom you don’t even know for a long time but get attached to them as if you knew them for ages….its been almost four months and…till today i wait eagerly every Wednesday evening so that i can talk to him……he fills my heart with so so much warmth in this cold city.

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playing this evening on loop is::

i miss the way you would tell me that i was too rebellious to be a girl..

i miss how you would fret at all the sleeveless tops that i used to wear to work..

i miss that time of the night when i used to sit and put oil on your legs…

i miss the days when i used to cook dinner when you were ill and gave the first morsel to you to taste if it was ok..

i miss how every Saturday night you used to put oil in my hair….

i miss sleeping in your lap..

i miss the way you used to tell me that i am the most stubborn girl on this earth…

i miss the way you held my right hand and papa held my left hand and then you both made me jump while we used to walk down Juhu beach…and then go down and give me a big kiss

i miss the way you would fight with dad and always claim that i am more like you…and not like a geek that papa is…

i miss the way you would show me your saree collection whenever i wanted to without getting angry and then telling me that i would look so pretty in your pink wedding saree..

i miss the way you would hate all my close friends ’cause you thought that you were getting a second position in my best friend list..but…ma…you will forever be my best friend…wish i could ever explain that to you..

i miss the way you would sing to me and tell me the story of maina…and the way i would just lie there in your arms and be at peace…

i miss the time when i used to look at you putting on your lipstick, bangles and bindi in the mirror…and then come from behind and tell you how much you look like me…oh what a fool i am…

i miss you ma…all these years i have tried to run away from home….four years back…. i ran away from you…and i missed you at that time as well..

this time again…i am missing you…and i miss you every day…every moment…maybe when i will become a mother i’ll realise more things…but tonight i really miss you…i wish you were here so that you could wrap me in your arms…

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playing tonight…as i sleep is the song you used to sing me to sleep…

i dreamt of you last night…you walked away…

and i watched the moon fade

the stars were burning bright…burning my heart in flames..

as if someone was burning a part of my body..

killing me bit by bit…pieces by pieces..ashes to ashes.

i dreamt of you last night…you walked away…i heard every footstep…

i don’t remember if i wept…

…but i think i heard your heart skip a beat…

burning away the street

…and then you walked away.

…and the moon faded.

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soon it was dawn…i was all alone

…with the birds mocking at my misery…

telling me it was all in my head..

telling me it was just a dream….

a dream i never decided to wake up from.

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This was a poem i started long time back but never completed..guess today i completed it..finally.

I am swaying tonight to:: (thanks to >> her)

So it’s 13th February again…the day i started my blog…the day i was supposedly born.. last birthday..i almost had a nervous breakdown after my birthday..last to last birthday i was sitting on the terrace of my house..thinking of ways to kill myself…last to last to last birthday..i had stopped talking and was in mute mode and people around me thought i was mentally dead…..and well most of my birthdays have not been so special since about 4 years almost…so basically i have not been very keen on celebrating my birthday this year too…..but i am glad and thankful that i have people in my life….who make waking up in the morning more meaningful and important.. every single day… thank you for being a part of me..a part of my soul…thank you for giving me a meaning for my existence…thank you Neha… if you weren’t around…i would have crashed….i have no words to express how much i love you….and how much you mean to me….

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the video on loop this birthday is one the most special things someone has ever done for me…and its done by by none other than my dearest sister ….my life… so here it is

sometimes i dance just to try to forget things that hurt me.

sometimes i don’t talk for days…until people around me think that i have gone nuts..

sometimes i just wish if i could keep everyone happy but then eventually hurt myself badly…

sometimes i walk for hours alone…wishing i could just go back in time and fix everything…

sometimes when i look at a baby smiling and telling me to lift it up……i have tears in my eyes…and then wrap it in my arms…

sometimes when i look into people’s eyes…i can look into what they are hiding…at that time i just stay quiet and let them pretend.

sometimes when i love…i don’t care about what i want…i just do what makes the other person happy and find my happiness in theirs

sometimes i just want to give up…but then stand up again every single day with a fake smile…a new happy song…and pretend to be living the best life that one can think of…

but most of the times…i know what my state is…but then i go back to pretending and put up a happy face again to fool myself and the world.

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flowing in my veins this weekend is ::