…and the moon faded

i dreamt of you last night…you walked away…

and i watched the moon fade

the stars were burning bright…burning my heart in flames..

as if someone was burning a part of my body..

killing me bit by bit…pieces by pieces..ashes to ashes.

i dreamt of you last night…you walked away…i heard every footstep…

i don’t remember if i wept…

…but i think i heard your heart skip a beat…

burning away the street

…and then you walked away.

…and the moon faded.

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soon it was dawn…i was all alone

…with the birds mocking at my misery…

telling me it was all in my head..

telling me it was just a dream….

a dream i never decided to wake up from.

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This was a poem i started long time back but never completed..guess today i completed it..finally.

I am swaying tonight to:: (thanks to >> her)

 

Happy Birthday to me

So it’s 13th February again…the day i started my blog…the day i was supposedly born.. last birthday..i almost had a nervous breakdown after my birthday..last to last birthday i was sitting on the terrace of my house..thinking of ways to kill myself…last to last to last birthday..i had stopped talking and was in mute mode and people around me thought i was mentally dead…..and well most of my birthdays have not been so special since about 4 years almost…so basically i have not been very keen on celebrating my birthday this year too…..but i am glad and thankful that i have people in my life….who make waking up in the morning more meaningful and important.. every single day… thank you for being a part of me..a part of my soul…thank you for giving me a meaning for my existence…thank you Neha… if you weren’t around…i would have crashed….i have no words to express how much i love you….and how much you mean to me….

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the video on loop this birthday is one the most special things someone has ever done for me…and its done by by none other than my dearest sister ….my life… so here it is

sometimes

sometimes i hide my tears and smile so that people around me are happy..

sometimes i dance just to try to forget things that hurt me.

sometimes i don’t talk for days…until people around me think that i have gone nuts..

sometimes i just wish if i could keep everyone happy but then eventually hurt myself badly…

sometimes i walk for hours alone…wishing i could just go back in time and fix everything…

sometimes when i look at a baby smiling and telling me to lift it up……i have tears in my eyes…and then wrap it in my arms…

sometimes when i look into people’s eyes…i can look into what they are hiding…at that time i just stay quiet and let them pretend.

sometimes when i love…i don’t care about what i want…i just do what makes the other person happy and find my happiness in theirs

sometimes i just want to give up…but then stand up again every single day with a fake smile…a new happy song…and pretend to be living the best life that one can think of…

but most of the times…i know what my state is…but then i go back to pretending and put up a happy face again to fool myself and the world.

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flowing in my veins this weekend is ::

whatever

<rant> Some people just piss you off…yes you can be friends with someone but every relationship has boundaries… boundaries which should never be crossed…and if you ‘want’ to cross them…you should have the freakin guts to do that…yes this happened once again…mr.abc likes me…bosses around me…doesn’t tell me that he has a thing for me and then starts being possessive about me talking or going out with other guys…right? WRONG…if you don’t have the guts to stand for me…you don’t deserve me…simple! These days or maybe lets say almost all my life i have met men who had no balls to stand for what they truly believed in…they were ALL cowards…weak brained…but now i have come at that stage of my life that i get frustrated when i am with weak people who cannot take a stand…take firm decisions and stand by them…sometimes when i look back i really wonder…what the hell did i find in them?!?? like reallly??!?….people who hinder my personal space have no place in my dictionary…maybe every bad experience that i have gone through has made me so clear headed..though i am glad i went through each and everyone of them and handled it all with so much courage….phew! </rant >

Jalebi ?

Ever since i came to Bangalore…i have been focusing on keeping myself happy and sane…and eventually i have realized and learned that shopping..yes SHOPPPING!! really really makes me happy…when i see the lights on Commercial street…Brigade road and the likes…my face lights up…i LOVE the feeling! i feel like somebody just gave me wings!! sigh! and when i enter a store…oh! the smell of fresh new clothes! bags! shoes! accessories! makes me go crazy! i feel at home…a shop makes you feel so so warm and loved from within…i imagine myself…walking down the streets in those crisp new clothes…hair blowing and all…yes..i am sooo bollywood…but so what!…i feel happy….i mix and match my clothes…accessorize to every single detail…and it gives me so so much joy…that i guess can never be brought not even by eating garam garam jalebis…which of course is a different story all together….!

I can spend hours in Bodyshop…’cause i just love the way the whole store smells…the touch of  Japanese cherry blossom body butter on my skin…and its enchanting smell…sigh…i feel like i am in seventh heaven….someday when i buy myself a house…its going to smell of  bodyshop…and and..scented candles…oh! how muuuch i loove them! sigh!!

Today was one of those days when i went shopping..though i didn’t spend much..but i still bought myself another pair of beautiful chappals…my Roomie has been suggesting me now…that i should soon open my own shoe shop… but! but! i can’t imagine throwing away any pair of my shoes…!!! they all fit so perfectly with all of my clothes…and accessories…the small trinkets..anklets…pretty studs…jingle jangle ear rings…my endless collection of jhumkis…oh..how much i love them…when i open my closet..which right now is YES! a mess…cause…i don’t have enough space to keep my clothes anymore…makes me so happy…i sometimes…sit alone…admiring…and going through the silk night wear i bought and the way its softness engulfs me when i go to sleep!…i think i am really in heaven when i am around stores…i hope when i die and of course i WILL BE going to heaven for sure ! i want it to have loads of stores with beautiful stuff that would make me feel like the prettiest…the happiest and the luckiest girl in this whole world

PS:: i just took this test and this is what it said::

The mall? It’s like your second home! (In fact, you sometimes get your mail forwarded there.) Neither rain, nor sleet, nor dire financial forecast will get in your way when there’s some serious shopping to be done.It’s called retail therapy. And you feel AWESOME about it!

another day.another story.

Sometimes when you are alone for a really really long time..you become cold…so when someone tries to put a warm blanket on you…tries to give you some warmth..some love…you start running away with a fear that you will get hurt all over again…but sometimes…you have to let go of your inhibitions and let people come in…let them cross the invisible walls that you create for yourself…sometimes its better to get hurt than to have never felt the warmth and love of someone…

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I am sleeping tonight to::

 

i hate perfect.

what is the feeling when everything around you is perfect…people around you love you..but you still feel that something is missing in your life..what is the feeling when you have everything in the world…but still feel that you are the poorest person in the whole world…what is the feeling when your efforts are appreciated by one and all and thats what you always wanted in the first place…all your life…but you are still not happy? i am not happy…and i don’t know what will make me happy anymore? i need a happiness pill.